


Why Is This So Familiar?

by roxyofheart



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Father, Babies, Canon Compliant, Comforting, Crying, Dialogue Heavy, Dirk Thinks Of Being a Father, DirkJake Fluff, Earth C (Homestuck), Emotional Baggage, Established DirkJake, Established Relationship, Family, Family talk, Fanservice, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Mild Swearing, Mostly Focused On That :), No-Epilogue, Oneshot, Past Child Abuse, Pessimism vs. Optimism, Positive ending, Post-Actual-Ending, Post-Canon, Regret, Rocky/Anxious Heads, Short & Sweet, dirkjake - Freeform, jakedirk - Freeform, they're doing their best, vent - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27460087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxyofheart/pseuds/roxyofheart
Summary: It had been three years since they were able to fix everything, but sometimes it did feel like more. He and Jake weren't teenagers now, and searched deeper and deeper for meaning every day. But he hadn't been made to rule a life so beautifully normal, had he?(Where Dirk tries his best to explain to Jake why he /cannot/ trust himself to ever take care of anyone).
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Why Is This So Familiar?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: this is post-canon and six years into Earth-C, so they'd be twenty-two years old / it was meant to be an attempt at a "feel-good fic", but I obviously kinda failed so whoops, am looking forward to trying that again one day / title credits go to the song "Familiar" from the show "Steven Universe".
> 
> This is a birthday gift to a girl named Julia, the biggest DirkJake shipper and BabyHomestuckContent lover of 2020. I hope y'all (and she) like it :)

The first thing that surprised everyone was how silent they all were. All the noises they made were brief, easily adaptable, or just incredibly shy, which was not how they expected babies to be like. Maybe they expected yelling, crying for food, desperation, they weren't really sure. But they were just so peaceful, it was unbelievable.

Jane was the first to hold one in her hands, because she, unlike the others, had seen kids in her life before. “Hey, little thing,” she whispered to one as she caught it on her arms, while Roxy, Dirk, and Jake, all stared at her and the little human.

God, he was so small.

“Wanna hold him, Rox?” Jane asked with a smile, to which Roxy shook her head excitedly. She turned to her daughter, waiting for permission, and receiving a nod back. “Go ahead, mom,” Rose responded.

Jane smiled at Roxy while she carefully handed the baby to her, and wow. The first human _child_ Roxy had touched in her whole life. Her _whole_ life.

It was definitely something. Being able to meet other humans for the first time had already been something. And now, being able to see _new_ human life, that was also incredible.

Everybody in the room stared at her. Rose, who was very excited to be guiding them, Jane, who couldn’t stop smiling at Roxy’s reactions, and Dirk and Jake.

The two boys had their eyes _glued_ on the girl. Jake involuntarily shot a _huge_ smile, paying close attention to the little hands that went up to Roxy’s face and tried to grab onto her. Tiny humans were so interesting and unbearably cute, he couldn’t believe he was ever one of those.

Dirk could not take his eyes away. He was amazed, trying to remember how to function as a normal human being as he stared at them. The sight of a human child, especially in Roxy’s arms, moved something in his brain that he just could not identify. Something about that, something about that scene, was so familiar, it was so predictable.

And it was so. Unbelievable.

Next thing he knew it was Jake’s turn to hold the baby. “Heeey, why can’t he get another baby? There are so many!” Roxy complained with a pout, making Jane giggle. “Careful, Jake. You don’t need that much force”.

As the baby was handed to Jake, Roxy hugged Jane excitedly, still amused from feeling, in her words, “the softest and cutest skin I've ever touched”. Jake carefully adjusted the kid in his arms, terrified that he would accidentally drop it. “Whoops! It’s okay. Sorry, kid”.

Dirk couldn’t stop looking at him now. The sight of _Jake_ , his _boyfriend_ , holding a baby in his arms, was maybe too much. Yeah, he admitted it, it was too much. Shit, it made no sense, but what did he know about human minds? Jake stared back at him with a huge smile, rocking the baby in his arms, holding him closer and closer.

He just looked so happy. And Dirk admitted again, it was too much for him. But it would also be his turn soon. And he couldn’t just say no to it, right?

Could he?

He turned to Rose when she spoke. “How do you feel?” she asked, Jake looking down at the small boy and letting him play with his fingers: “Amazing. Why do I kinda wanna squeeze him?”

Roxy and Jane giggled together. “It’s totally normal, but please don’t do that,” Rose warned. Jake nodded with a big smile, noticing every single detail about the cutest face he had ever seen in his whole life.

The way he moved around in his arms melted his heart. Jake felt like crying after less than ten seconds of holding it, and so he had to give up.

Then it was Dirk’s turn. It was finally his turn.

Jake smiled at him while he waited for his arms to be in the perfect position. After about three seconds of adjusting, the baby was perfectly resting on Dirk's arms. “I don’t think it likes me,” he immediately said, to which Roxy laughed. “You haven’t even talked to him yet!” Jake responded with the biggest smile. “Hey, little thing! This is Dirk!”

Jake was already using a high-pitched voice to talk to him and Dirk couldn’t even hold him naturally. It was just so strange, to have a human child, a completely newborn human being, just depending on him to survive, just being _there_ , with him, inside his arms. As Jake naturally interacted with it and tried to make Dirk less uncomfortable, he noticed the eyes.

The baby had really dark blue eyes, so although Dirk didn’t know whose genetic material had been used to make it, he could still take a guess. He took a look around and noticed his daughter Rose stare at him with a curious smile on her lips. _God_ , was she analyzing him? He hoped so, to be honest. He wanted to understand.

He watched her eyes, and her nose, and her cheeks, and remembered how alike his they all were. He noticed again how she looked just like him, but with softer features and darker skin and longer hair. He stared back at the baby in a way that wouldn’t seem like he was comparing them and noticed the eyes again. He wondered how Rose might have looked when she was that young. And what he would have done if he had been there to take care of her.

After an uncomfortable amount of time had passed, Roxy grabbed the baby back from Dirk’s arms, rocking it and giving it back to Rose. Jake put his hand on Dirk's back, asking “he's adorable, isn’t he?" And Dirk couldn’t lie, “yeah”.

“It is”.

Almost everyone walked out of the building with a smile on their face. Jake and Dirk turned to Rose to say their goodbyes, ready to go home and finally cool off from all the social interaction they had had all day. "You two are coming tomorrow, right?" Rose asked them before they left. "Obviously," Jake replied with that everlasting smile on his face, holding Dirk's hand, and leaving with him.

He and Dirk loved walking, and they had always loved holding hands while taking a walk home. The winds on that day weren't too strong and the sun wasn't too hot, so it was just the perfect weather for them to hold each other's hands. The perfect weather to walk while holding hands, even without saying much with words.

Fuck, Dirk loved him so much. He couldn’t be more thankful that everything had worked out, that they both worked so everything would work out. And that it did, that it finally did. And that now, they were both okay.

Just like they were always meant to be.

It was very late at night when they finally went to bed. Them even _going_ to bed was weird enough, especially at the same time. Jake smiled and held Dirk close to him, intertwining their legs and staring into his eyes. The man stared back, mostly-expressionless face but still a hint of happiness there, trying to hide everything away. He leaned forward, shyly placing a kiss on top of Jake's nose, feeling him smile wide.

Jake, too, was thankful that everything was alright now. He too was thankful that he had people he loved, that he lived in a place where he could be happy, calm, and free. Glad there was nothing to worry or argue about anymore. He hadn't expected to reach that level with Dirk in his life, but once he did, it all made sense for both of them.

However, there was something in Dirk’s eyes that Jake was sensing. He saw something behind it, though he couldn't exactly detect what it was. He had seen it before, though. He had been learning how to read Dirk.

Doing his best. Always doing his best.

Even if it wasn’t anything serious, and even if it was a problem made in his head and only for his head, Jake still wanted to ask. Depending on what the problem was, Dirk could also do _his_ best and try to open up to Jake. Because that was something he was working on. Or better, working on working on. 

Doing his best.

So Jake decided to just ask:

“You alright, Dirk?”

Dirk understood that question as a basic “evening conversation” question. Yes, he was alright. Given everything in his life, he was alright at that time.

So that’s what he responded.

“Yeah. What about you?”

“I’m great!”

And Jake showed a beautiful smile, which made Dirk want to kiss him. They adjusted their bodies so they would lie down face to face, both resting their cheeks on a pillow, and then held hands.

 _God_. Holding hands was probably Jake’s favorite thing.

“You look… thoughtful,” he giggled. “Thinking of me?”

Jake winked and Dirk smirked and looked down at their hands. “Yeah. Always am”.

And Jake smiled, but he still knew something was up. Dirk felt too far away.

“Hey, come on,” he began, taking one hand to Dirk’s cheek. “What 'ya thinking about?”

Dirk didn’t even try to lie. “Is it that obvious?"

“Kinda,” Jake giggled. “You’ve been pretty quiet since…”

Dirk didn’t react, or look at Jake at all. He just kept staring down at where their hands held each other.

“Since…”

“Yeah, today I’m… kinda weird,” he admitted. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing”.

“Is it because of the babies?”

Dirk chuckled, he wasn’t going to admit anything too fast. “W-”

But he could not lie. He had lied too much and he had hidden too much. And maybe it was time to stop lying.

“Did you…”

But he didn’t know what to say. And that was okay with Jake. He wasn’t so worried. He knew he could help Dirk, and he knew that they had got better at communication.

He knew that they could do whatever they wanted to do. It was okay now. It was right.

They didn’t have anything to worry about anything anymore.

“I know you. I mean, I try to, but I see you,” and Dirk’s hands were long, and thin, and really warm, and he tried really hard to not let himself sink into the feeling of them against his own. He just felt so safe, finally. “Saw it in your eyes when you looked at Roxy. You thinking of Rose, Dave, and everything again?”

Dirk didn’t know exactly how to respond. “Want me to be honest?”

Dirk knew his honesty could be bad. And at that moment, he knew it probably was. But he’d do it, for Jake. He’d do it.

“So yeah,” he said. “I’m thinking of them”.

It was hard to respond, but it was a beginning. Talking. Communicating. It definitely wasn’t their strong point.

Jake knew where to start. “Thanks for telling me”.

Dirk nodded, feeling rather proud of himself. “Of course”.

“You wanna talk about it?”

And the answer was obviously “no”. Why would Dirk want to talk about it? Why would he have to express all over again how much it hurt to be happy that he had a _family_ that he earned without working towards, a family that meant something to him and who loved him the way he was? He knew he didn’t deserve to have amazing children with an amazing person he could easily hurt. He knew and had said all that, and maybe Jake hadn’t understood all of it, but he had said it. He had tried before, he had tried a lot, and trying needs to mean something.

It needs to be enough.

“Maybe not”.

Jake chuckled, going up to kiss Dirk’s cheek. Dirk closed his eyes at the quick touch, feeling Jake get closer to him and not wanting him to let go. Once he did, he stared into his green eyes, noticing again how beautiful they were.

Dirk hadn’t got used to his eyes yet.

“You like being a father, Dirk?”

“Yeah,” and that was not a lie. He did. He loved being a father and a brother. He loved his family and most of all, he loved being loved by them, and he definitely loved love. Dirk knew, he _knew_ and would say again, that he absolutely did not deserve to be loved by them. But it was so obvious. That he was happy with them. That he loved being in their lives with his whole heart. “I do”.

“You ever think of having kids with me?”

“Sometimes…” Dirk said, starting to caress Jake’s hand. “Do you?”

“Yeah".

Dirk nodded, trying to take that information in.

“Wow. Can you imagine… us as dads?” Jake asked.

Dirk’s heart went up instantly. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He didn’t know what that was, he didn’t understand _why_ that was. Why he felt like that, why he _loved_ being a father so much, when he was just a brother and a teenager only years before. He didn't understand why he believed he and Jake were going to have children together one day, as if they were a normal couple from a normal human setting. God, why was he thinking all that? And why was thinking all that so good?

He remembered being a teenager, sitting around thinking about Jake’s lips. Seeing him and hearing his voice and just wanting to be with him and just wanting _him_. Dirk never thought he would ever grow up to be an adult, both because he didn’t trust himself to live that long and also because he just couldn’t process the fact that he _was_ getting older. It was so right, though, and now none of that was really present anymore. Dirk didn’t need Jake the same way he used to want him five years before. Dirk needed him in a way that teenage him would never be able to understand, and would not even want to grasp. He needed Jake like he never thought it would be possible to need someone, and he needed him like _family_. He needed him to be part of his life, to be family.

Being _a father_. Being a father _with him_. Both sides hurt. Both ideas hurt.

And he had already achieved one of them. Did he deserve the other one? Was it going to have a happy ending?

No, his mind said. It wasn't.

“That’d… be weird,” he breathed out with a short nervous laugh. “Why?”

“Well, John and Jade and Dave and Rose… they’d all have a mutual half-sibling. that’s weird”. Jake chucked. “Yeah, kinda”.

But that was not the point. That wasn’t why it was weird. That wasn’t weird at all, actually, not anymore. There was so much more that was, though.

Mostly inside Dirk's head than outside of it.

“It’d just be nice, you know? Having a kid with you” Jake started. Dirk’s heart just started beating faster because _God_ , he couldn’t believe he was having that conversation with the man he loved. He couldn’t believe he was having that conversation with someone so important to him, someone so good to the world. It was insane. Dirk didn’t want to believe it. But every time his mind would wander to Roxy holding the child, it all made sense again. And he’d see the blue eyes on the baby, and imagine orange ones on his, and it was just too much again.

There was something he needed to do. He couldn’t achieve that, for a reason he didn’t really understand. He was just so happy with Rose and Dave’s existence, he didn’t deserve more.

He wouldn't be able to get more. He would destroy everything if he ever got more. It wasn't meant to be like that.

He couldn't do that.

“You know,” Jake continued, even though it was hard now. It was hard to listen, and it was hard to process. “You’d be an amazing father”.

Dirk had thought too much already.

“Nah,” he replied quickly, laughing through his nose. “No, I wouldn’t”.

“Of course you would”.

“Nah, I’d fuck it up”.

“No. You wouldn’t”.

Jake nodded, using his most serious expression.

“Of course you wouldn’t”.

And there were just so many thoughts that contradicted, so many ideas that couldn’t be expressed. Jake eventually leaving _was_ a worry, because it had happened before. So why would it be different now? Why would Dirk be easy to love _now_?

He didn’t understand. _Shit_ , he couldn’t understand. The worst worry was going insane, hurting someone innocent, ruining a life he created himself.

“Dirk…”

“Um…”

But Jake didn’t know what to ask. And there was so much unspoken but there was also so much they didn't need to say. It had been a complicated thing to experience, growing towards _knowing_ and understanding each other. But it existed now. They had achieved it.

So there was _a lot_ he knew he didn’t have to say. A lot that’d be stupid to ask.

“Um?” Dirk repeated, stepping away and sitting up on the bed. Wow, he was pretty. And God, he was twisted and sad.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Dirk said honestly, or maybe not so honestly. “I’m just really glad that I didn’t get to raise Dave and Rose”.

“You would’ve done it better than _them_ ,” Jake affirmed, knowing it was true. “Nah”.

“I would’ve done it so much worse”.

Jake shook his head, staring at him and just wanting him to understand.

“You don’t know me”.

“I know some of you," Jake responded lovingly.

Dirk stared down towards the man lying down, who smirked at him with all his heart.

"I’m imagining it now,” he continued while sitting straight up on the bed. “A little kid. Black hair and orange eyes”.

Dirk immediately pictured them. A completely new being, a new person. Someone who hadn't been touched by life and didn't know anything about the world yet. He pictured them with his own eyes, and then with Jake’s green eyes. He pictured him holding a being like that, which depended on him to survive.

“Running around our garden…” Jake continued, giggling. “Our garden _is_ quite dangerous though, we’ll have to be a little more organized when we do have kids”.

 _When_. The certainty killed Dirk. Jake wasn’t planning on leaving him again. And that was nice. It felt nice.

“But…” and he continued when he noticed his boyfriend stayed quiet. Thinking. He was thinking.

“Yeah?”

“But... what’s your fear? Tell me”.

Dirk turned to him. “You really wanna know?"

“Of course,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Can I know?”

And Dirk nodded, trying to breathe in without making it noticeable. He and Jake were staring at each other, sitting on that perfectly comfortable bed, it couldn't be hard to breathe.

They were home.

“Yeah,” Dirk said, nodding. “'Course you can. Why not, right?”

And Jake nodded with a smile on his face. He placed his hand on top of Dirk's knee in an attempt to make him more… comfortable? Open? He wasn’t sure. He just knew that talking about important things wasn’t something Dirk did much. And let alone _wanting_ to talk about them.

“Alright,” Dirk began.

“You always start like this,” Jake giggled. “Alright, sorry. Won’t interrupt”.

“No, please do. Please interrupt,” and Jake laughed again, and _shit,_ how much he loved Dirk… he couldn’t even believe he was capable of loving that strong.

Maybe he loved Dirk more than anyone else in his life, which was a _bold_ thought.

But maybe.

“Anyway,” Dirk continued, simply because he wanted to, and knew he had to. “Jake, they’re like… _Children_ are like…”

Jake listened carefully.

“They’re new. And innocent. And they’re small,” he sighed. “And most of all, they’re empty, they’re completely blank. And it’s our job to… fill in the lines”.

“With beautiful words, of course,” Jake smiled.

“And everything about them comes from just… that,” Dirk ignored him. “Their whole life is in our hands, everything we do, everything we say will forever be there because… it's all they have. They’re born with nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it’s our job to give them everything they'll ever have, and hope that we don’t fuck up like we know we can do”.

And Jake nodded, lessening his smile but still trying to seem comforting. Dirk wasn’t looking at him anyway so it was alright, he thought.

“It’s too much power,” Dirk continued, and of course it was. Humans were powerful. “I can’t have something that fragile in my hands, Jake. I just can’t”.

Jake nodded again.

“And this isn’t, like… something that’s gonna just badly affect someone, it’s gonna badly affect a whole life. A _whole_ life”.

And Jake, even though he knew Dirk, still wondered how he could be so extremely pessimistic. He wondered what it would be like to think like him, that precisely with unnecessary logical pessimism, and knew why he was there and what he had to do.

But it was true. People were easy, and malleable. And even he, right there, was changing Dirk’s life just by talking to him about it. He only hoped that he was changing everything for the _better_ , and not to the worst like Dirk almost always believed he was doing. So it was okay. When he placed his hand on top of Dirk’s shoulder, it was okay for him.

And even if Dirk knew it wasn’t okay for himself, at least he knew Jake was there.

“I love you”.

And that caught Dirk off-guard more than anything Jake could have said. He turned to him, widened his eyes, and just looked so fucking dumb because _of course_ his boyfriend of three years loved him. Of course he did. But still, it was so good to hear, it was so… different. They didn’t say _it_ much to one another, and he also wondered if they would say it to their child if they ever had one.

If they didn't, could that fuck them up? He hoped not.

“And hey, you’re right,” Jake admitted. “You are. But I think you’re forgetting one little thing”.

Dirk turned to him, seeing the beautiful smile back on his face. “What?”

“You wouldn’t be alone”.

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded. “That’s sorta what gives me hope”.

Jake smiled, hope was good. But Dirk knew, that it still wasn’t right.

“We just met,” and Dirk turned to look at him again not even noticing he had looked away. “I mean, we’ve known each other for more than ten years”.

Dirk giggled.

“But we technically… just met”.

“Yeah, I know,” Dirk said. “With everything we went through, we did ‘just meet’, in a way”.

Jake nodded, again smirking at him and not being able to stop nodding.

He just wanted to be able to make Dirk stop thinking. He wanted to be capable of that sometimes, but more than all, he wanted to kiss him.

And so he did.

Jake brought his head closer to Dirk and they shyly kissed as if they were sixteen years old and in a sleepover together. Dirk was not expecting but didn’t dislike the warm lips against his own and so closed his eyes but didn’t move an inch. Jake then took his own hand to Dirk’s face, caressed his jaw, and finished the soft kiss.

He stepped back again. Dirk opened his eyes, and didn’t say a word.

“See?” Jake asked. “We haven’t even got used to kissing yet”.

And then Dirk smiled, letting go of air that he didn’t even know he was holding, and sighing in response. “Yeah. Definitely”.

“I’m not the best with words, Dirk,” but he was trying. And those eyes, those beautiful eyes, and that stable eye contact, was maybe enough. “But what I want you to see is that…”

Dirk waited. And he breathed. He tried to breathe normally, but damn, Jake was right. He hadn’t got used to kissing yet.

“We had a fucking hard life,” he smiled, gigging and letting his strong accent take charge of the whole sentence. “And we, especially me and you, had our ups and downs”.

“A lot of downs”.

“And a lot of ups,” he smiled. Dirk nodded. “Most of them made here. In our home”.

Dirk liked that word.

“But the point is, I’m not stupid, Dirk. I know and I see how you react whenever our friends tell you they love you. Whenever Jane walks your way and tells you she wants to spend time with you, or when she and Roxy both hug you from behind like they’ve got used to. I know it. I see your face, and I see your eyes, and I know you try to hide it from everyone, but I can see there that you love them too. You love all of us, and you’re so happy to have us, but you don’t think you should. You don’t think you should be here, you think you’re a mistake and all you’ve ever done has been for the bad of what we could've been”.

And that, was _exactly_ it. Jake had said _exactly_ it.

“We’re not kids. Me, Roxy, Jane, even Rose and Dave, are not children,” Dirk nodded. “But we have unwritten futures too, we all are ‘in progress’. Of course you have the power to completely mess with the progress we’re meant to make but you know what?”

Dirk didn’t. Dirk didn’t know what. He just wanted to listen. He just wanted to keep listening to him being described correctly because that hurt so much but meant the world to him. He couldn’t stop yelling inside.

“None of us give a fuck about what our lives could have been like without you,” and he, was truthful. “Maybe it would’ve been better, but who gives a shit? We love you the way you fucking are, even if you hate having yourself in our lives, we don’t give a fuck and we won’t let you go, even if you try to run away from us”.

And that made Dirk laugh. And he was glad to hear it, he was glad to know, that they wouldn’t let him go. Because if it were up to him, which it mostly was, he probably would've ruined them already.

But maybe he didn’t want to do that. And maybe he didn't want to run away. Maybe he really wanted people to love him and be with him. And maybe he wanted to be scared of ruining them because being scared was normal. Being born and growing up the way he was, being scared was a _perfect_ reaction. Maybe he didn’t doubt all of it, even though he knew he did, because ultimately, love was _kinda_ what mattered.

When he hurt Dave, when he fucked up with people, love was always what seemed to matter. No matter what mistake he might have done, love was what was able to fix it, as stupid as all of that could sound.

It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t like that. He could make mistakes but _everyone_ made them.

He didn’t have to be _perfect_. Even though he wanted to be.

Fuck, how he wanted to be.

“We’re not gonna let you go. Ever,” Jake continued. “You’re not gonna hurt us as easily as you think you are”.

Dirk nodded, he nodded knowing that was wrong but that also it didn’t _matter_ as much as he thought it did.

Nothing mattered as much as he thought it did. Nothing in life was as serious as his head made it out to be, and it was time to fucking wind down and chill out about some things. But he still knew people were broken and easy to accidentally manipulate. And he knew too much about manipulation and accidentally doing it all the time.

“And hey, when I say you wouldn’t be alone, I don’t mean just me. I mean Rox, Janey, everyone. Dave…” and that, also, sounded truthful. “If I knew I couldn't trust you to have a kid with me, I would never have brought it up".

And Dirk laughed, now finally looking him in the eyes, and then not being able to hold back a smile. There, in his eyes, he could see the truth and the confidence and he didn’t doubt it this time. Yes, it was okay. It thankfully and surprisingly, was mostly okay.

He wondered what Jake was thinking. And what he would give to have a mind like his instead of his own. He wondered what it would be like, being raised by someone with a head like Jake’s. And there, he trusted him. He knew he would be amazing at taking care of others, and he knew his mistakes, if they even existed, would be minimal.

He was not scared at all. Knowing Jake would be there with him made it much easier. It made it much better. He just wished that his own fuck ups wouldn't weight that much.

“It… You’d be good at it,” Jake was surprised at Dirk interrupting him and listened carefully. “You'd have less trouble managing a totally untouched narrative, that’s for sure”.

“I really don’t understand your metaphors, love,” and Dirk chuckled back, but surely _froze_ at the last word. “But yeah. I know what you mean”.

Dirk nodded again, holding that smile that was now truthful, and still thinking of the word. _Love_.

Wow, he _really_ hadn’t got used to it yet.

“We’re still young. And you’re still young _er_ ,” Jake continued. “There’s still a lot we’ll think about, a lot we’ll see, a _lot_ that we’ll figure out”.

“Wow,” Dirk said. “You talk like you’re years older than me”.

“And I am?” Jake frowned, holding a smirk. “About four centuries, I believe?”

And Dirk turned his head down, chuckling and nodding once more. Jake laughed loudly and then held Dirk's hand again. He noticed the position they were in, him with his legs crossed and Dirk sitting straight against the wall next to the bed, really close to him. He used his legs to get slightly closer to his boyfriend, and then kissed him again, weakly brushing their lips together.

“But you know what I mean”.

“Always do, Jake”.

And Jake smiled, not bringing his face back or taking his eyes away from Dirk’s lips, and then kissing him again. Dirk was always immobile, not reacting to him due to his nervousness. Jake really didn’t have to point out that he _wasn’t used_ to kissing him yet. It just felt so new, yet so old.

Teenagers. Still teenagers for sure. They obviously weren’t ready for kids, and that conversation didn’t matter yet.

They were glad for even _having_ conversations, though. God, they really had grown.

“You know what I really think?” and Dirk rose his eyebrow, waiting as Jake started pulling his face away from his own. “I know you have more to say”.

“Always do, Jake,” Jake chuckled.

“But I think you need to sleep. Cool things out”.

And Dirk thought that was a good idea. And it wouldn’t be “procrastinating a thought”, as he liked to call it. It would just be processing. It would just be giving himself time. And that was normal, and healthy. And he knew he could be normal and healthy sometimes.

“Yeah,” he said. He nodded his head. “That’d be cool”.

And Jake smiled. He didn’t use his teeth this time but he just looked so happy, so glad and proud of the one who he knew was the love of his life. He couldn’t help blinking less than he usually did, he couldn’t help staring into his eyes even when they weren’t staring back.

Jake loved Dirk so much. He hoped one day he would be able to say it all out loud. He hoped that whatever kept him from saying _everything_ just broke apart one day, leaving him forever being able to speak. Because hell, he wanted to tell Dirk how much he meant. He wanted to say everything, he wanted to say how beautiful Dirk looked in the sun, or in the moon, or flying in the sky or sleeping, or crying or talking, or being silent or kissing. Dirk looked beautiful eating and drinking, and lying down and sitting, looking to the right and to the left, and he wished he could say it. Dirk looked lovely texting on his phone, he looked lovely writing on a piece of paper. Dirk looked perfect in every single way and there was nothing that would ever make him _not_ be. There was nothing that would ever make Jake stop seeing him, stop noticing how he just seemed to fit every narrative, how he just seemed to belong everywhere yet nowhere. There was nothing that would ever make Jake stop knowing that the sun shined for that man, and only that man, and that the days and nights mattered because of him. God, he couldn't even imagine himself ever going a week without Dirk, let alone any time longer than that.

Jake knew he would _never_ fall out of love with Dirk, that was just not possible. He knew he would love him forever, literally no matter the circumstances, and that more than everything, gave him peace, even though he still wasn't able to use words to describe how much that was true. Would he, eventually, let Dirk know every single thing that he did to make Jake's heartbeats go up? Would he, ever, get down on one knee and tell Dirk about how he is everything he needs and has ever needed in his whole life, or would that always be too much?

For now, it was. For now, it wasn't possible. It wasn't something meant to be. He did know all that though. He did know he was deeply and utterly in love with Dirk Strider.

And that, more than all, was peaceful. Dirk wouldn't think it was peaceful but for Jake,

it was.

“If you wanna talk some more, I’m super up for it,” and Dirk responded with “no, no, don’t worry”. He didn't really want to hold Jake back from sleeping, he had to be tired from everything they had done _._

“Alright," Jake said.

And they, ultimately, didn’t kiss once more. But when they closed their eyes, it felt like they had.

“We have a big day tomorrow,” and Dirk instantly thought about the party. “Don’t wanna have it be ruined for you. If you dream about bad stuff then tell me in the morning. Please”.

And “dreaming about bad stuff” was all Dirk dreamed about, so he chuckled. But he nodded, even though he wouldn't tell Jake anything.

“It’s alright. I need time”.

Jake nodded. “We all need time. But hey, it’s not like we’re gonna accidentally have kids”.

“Not again,” they laughed. “Yeah, not again”.

And he remembered Rose again. Rose and her blonde hair and purple eyes, and he pictured the shape of her eyes which was the same as his. He pictured the shape of her mouth which was the same as Roxy’s, and it was so beautiful. _That_ was so beautiful. The fact Rose was a combination of Roxy Lalonde and _him_ was so beautiful, and yet so unfair.

But Roxy loved it, because Roxy loved him. As much as he thought he didn’t deserve to be loved by someone like her, he knew that she did love him. And so the thought of Rose’s eye shape wasn’t so bad anymore. And after everything Jake had said, another being with that same eye shape, maybe wouldn’t hurt so much.

Maybe it all wouldn’t be awful, and maybe guilt wouldn’t take over.

But just _maybe_.

* * *

Jake woke up early to help with the decorations for the party. He and Jade, being the strongest of all the humans, were chosen to carry some heavy weights like the piano, the stereos, and everything else that they could bring to the house where the party would happen. Dirk woke up much later, maybe even two hours later, and it was actually good waking up next to an empty bed while having fallen asleep next to someone.

When he got up, obviously remembering his — surprisingly — not that shitty dream, he simply got his phone, didn’t text anyone as usual, and stared at the mirror as he started to get ready.

He needed to leave very soon, Rose was already coming to pick him up. He wasn't thinking too much yet, also. He was definitely not as shaken as he had been on the other day and that was a good sign, but it did make him feel stupid for having reacted so much.

Such a dumb subject. Family.

But anyhow, he finished getting ready and waited by the front door, checking the clock to make sure his ride wouldn't be late. Jake sent him a message, that he quickly opened, as he locked the door behind himself.

"Hey, party looks really cool, bro! See you when you arrive”.

He smiled, responding and hearing Rose finally show up in her car. “Hey, Dirk,” she said, voice angelic like always. “Hey,” he said, climbing in the backseat and trying to fit his legs the best way he could.

After the evening he had had, it was strange that seeing and hearing Rose didn’t affect him. Maybe he reallt was okay. Maybe it was all okay.

When they arrived at the place, they noticed everything seemed to be perfectly-decorated already. Jake, who saw them, walked out of the door to greet everyone and then hold Dirk's hand when he finished. "Morning," he said to him, who smiled in response.

"Morning," Dirk said.

"Let's go?" Rose adjusted the collar of her white shirt. Everyone nodded in approval, waiting for her to walk in front so they could all follow behind. Dirk walked next to Jake but they didn’t say a word on the way.

Not saying a word wasn't uncommon, though. It could be really hard for them to talk to each other when other people were around, and let alone continue an important conversation like the one they’d had, so obviously they just pretended like nothing was going on, and could maybe continue it when they went home again, possibly together and possibly holding hands. There, they could possibly discuss everything and maybe it would be a conversation that would take more than one day, who knew?

Dirk didn't want that, and was thankful that everything had died. He just hoped and hoped with the least smart section of his brain, that Jake would magically forget about everything, and never bring anything he had said up ever again. But that was impossible, of course. He wasn’t a fucking idiot.

But it didn't matter, because it looked like there was going to be a nice party and that was what mattered for now. When the group arrived in the front yard, they could see and hear a lot of the guests were there already, dancing and having fun. The yearly celebration of the existence of Earth-C and its creators didn't even _need_ to be that fun, and it didn't even _need_ to happen. But it felt good, seeing their people enjoying themselves. Seeing them having the time of their lives due to something they had all literally fought for. Dirk looked at them and thought about how he was their God and how nice it felt knowing that they were mostly happy. It showed he had done a good job at taking care of something smaller than him, even if he had done almost nothing at all. It felt nice, knowing he had done a good job not wrecking their lives.

 _That_ he could pride himself on.

Dirk didn't need to look around for that long for his eyes to find Dave. He was right there, next to his best friend John, smirk on his face and cup on his hand. Dirk's mind started racing, and in a matter of seconds, everything came back. He couldn’t stop thinking of it. He couldn’t stop thinking of _that_.

He turned around and started walking towards the nearest bathroom, making sure people wouldn’t notice he was running away. However, Jake was there. Looking at him. And knowing him.

Jake might not have known all of Dirk, but he _saw_ all of him. And he knew what was up sometimes.

“Excuse me”.

The one who was next to him, nodded, seeing him leave behind Dirk. They noticed something was going on, and hoped it wasn’t anything that serious.

“Dirk?” Jake said as he walked towards him. Dirk almost froze at hearing his name but entered the house and kept walking. “Dirk”.

Dirk found the bathroom and started to close the door but Jake sped up to block it with his hand. “Let me in,” he said calmly, but worriedly, and Dirk just gave up on the force he had been thinking of making. He could just push the door shut and lock himself inside the bathroom, but that would take so much time, and so much thought. And he didn't want to think. There wasn't room for more, there wasn't.

He let Jake in, turning around and walking towards the sink while trying really hard not to stare into the mirror. Jake closed and locked the door behind him, quickly walking near Dirk and touching his shoulders.

“I’m okay,” Dirk said, even though he couldn’t even look up to Jake’s eyes or even his own in the mirror. “I’m okay, Jake. Stop”.

Jake didn’t take his hand away from his shoulder. “Dirk. What happened? Was it Dave? What was it?” and Dirk just wanted to die. “Please. What’s going on?”

Dirk started feeling tears come and he was _so glad_ they were early to their party, and that no one would be out looking for him. He was so glad Dave hadn’t seen him, that he hadn’t seen Roxy and that he could just leave whenever he wanted to. He was glad about many things.

But he didn’t want to cry. He was glad Jake was there but _shit_ , he couldn’t cry. Not then. Not about Dave again.

“Hey, are you crying? Aw, come here, love”.

Jake pushed Dirk’s head up and grabbed him into a tight hug. Dirk buried his face on his neck and started crying. He couldn’t believe that was happening. It wasn’t the first time, sure, but still. Why? Why again? Why did that have to happen again? Why couldn’t he just be invincible? Why did he have to have a heart that felt and a mind that thought thoughts? As Jake grabbed him tight he just knew how much he wanted to be able to let go, and what he would give for him to _never_ let go. He allowed himself to cry, feeling lost and dead already, feeling all the controversies between his heart and his brain fight intensely, while Jake just waited. 

“Shhh, I love you,” Jake said, feeling six or seven tears fall onto his shoulder. Dirk almost never cried, he didn't understand why sometimes he did. “What’s up?”

Dirk then straightened his back, immediately blocking the tears and the whole expression and just going _blank_ as he was so used to doing. He let go of Jake, quickly turned to the mirror, and opened the sink to wash his now-neutral face. “Hey. Dirk”.

“I’m alright,” he said with a perfect voice, in between the splashes to his face. “Alright now”.

Jake stared at him now with a straight face. “What the fuck happened?”

Dirk didn’t turn to look at him, and also wasn’t planning to. He felt something in his heart that was probably anger but not anger towards Jake. Maybe not towards himself either, but he knew it was there.

“He could’ve been so fucking happy”. Dirk finished saying that and grabbed the towel next to the sink to dry his face with it.

Jake immediately understood. “He is”.

Dirk stared at the mirror again, into his eyes, shaking his head.

“He _is_ happy, Dirk”.

“He might not be. I wouldn’t know,” he said. “And it’s all my fault. All my fault”.

“It’s not your fault, we’ve talked about this. It being your fault makes no sense,” Jake came closer to him, touching his shoulder again, trying to bring him back down, and Dirk stared at himself with the most neutral expression and absolutely no desire to cry now that he had compressed all of that. “Dirk”.

“He’ll never know, he’ll never know what he could’ve been, and it’s my fault,” he continued. “He’ll never know what he could’ve had ‘cause I ruined everything and there’s nothing I can do to fix it”.

“Dirk. Please”.

“Nothing”.

“He is happy. Dave is happy, he’s told you that before,” Dirk wouldn’t move. “He is happy, nothing that happened to him was your fault, nothing”.

“But I could’ve helped him. I could just not be like this,” he said, making absolutely no sense but perfect sense in his own brain. “If I weren’t like this then maybe _he_ wouldn’t be either, and Dave would’ve had someone good and it would’ve been okay and, fuck…”

And so Dirk let his head drop down, feeling the tears and the whole sensation of crying come again. Jake sighed and hugged him again, making sure he wouldn’t fall or get hurt. He held him closer and closer.

Dirk cried silently and let out a few sniffs in between, and even if everything was helpless, at least he had the comfort of Jake’s arms. He finished crying for the second time but stayed there, and for the first time, wrapped his arms around Jake too.

“Shh…”

“I’m okay now”.

And so Jake let go, not knowing whether to trust it or not. It was really common for Dirk to cry like this, with long and unbelievable pauses in between. He looked at the man seeing himself in the mirror and even helped him fix his hair that he had accidentally wet. “Thanks”.

He didn’t even know what he was thanking, but it didn’t matter. Maybe he was thanking Dirk for trusting him, or maybe for saying all that. Maybe he was thanking Dirk for having stopped crying, all while hoping that he _really_ was okay now.

“Just had to let that out”.

“I’m glad you did,” Jake said. “I’m proud of you”.

And he knew, he knew they both had a lot of work to do. And if the conversation about them having children together came up again, he would understand it all better now. He would understand that Dirk couldn’t just magically “be okay”. He couldn’t magically “believe him” when it came even to the obvious and logical idea of “you are not Dave’s Bro and you're not going to hurt your children”. Dirk wasn’t going to magically fix himself in order to create a family with Jake, and he had to understand, and believe, all of that. And when he did, it was okay. Jake knew that he could do this. He knew that he could fix things, because after all, they did have eternity to figure each other out.

It didn't matter how long it would take for them to be even the most basic of a family. Nothing mattered because time didn’t matter when it came to them. For now, he had to love, and make mistakes, and wait a lot. He could wait because he had to wait, and one day, it would make sense. 

Maybe one day they would be able to create a family together, but maybe not. That was something Jake had to wait for, something he had to carry with him in the most patient way, while they both worked together to find where they needed help, and where they needed improvement. That way, things would change.

Gradually. Slowly. Just like everything had always been.

Alright.


End file.
